I’m starting off 2025 by coming back to my purpose:
To help you feel less alone through transparency, vulnerability, and education. This blog article is a difficult, but a cathartic one to write.
Let me start by saying, I am better. I am in a place where I feel comfortable putting this experience into words and sharing. Please, don’t sympathize.
This share is to bring awareness and educate. I hope it helps you or someone you know.
Imagine going about your day: going to work, gatherings, school functions. You are going through your daily motions. Only the people who intimately know you can see the subtle differences – slightly quieter, slightly distant, avoiding calls, more irritable… To everyone else… they don’t have a clue. You get dressed, show up, slap a smile on your face, laugh on cue… this is a necessity.
Because, the alternate is a deep fear: suddenly breaking down in front of your daughter, her friends, your friends, acquaintances.
I started to feel “stuck in a funk” in mid-2024.
There were life-changing incidents that all hit at once at the beginning of the year. My grandfather and uncle passed away weeks apart from each other.
In the same month, my father, an unimaginatively driven and motivated person who, at the time was working as a full-time physician running a private practice, was hospitalized and received a life-changing diagnosis. He had been a medical mystery for 2 years. And, with 3 kids and two of their significant others also being in medicine, you can imagine how these random life-threatening incidents had caused a frenzy within the family. We were all on edge. Just thankful that he was alive. Then the diagnosis came.
I remember feeling let down, scared, and anxious about the unknown. We all know that our parents won’t live forever… we all know that our parents are not superhuman… but for that to become a reality so quickly? That was unexpected. I had subconsciously imagined that my parents would age gracefully and pass from old age. Having a life-threatening disease had never come to the forefront of my mind.
Oh, the same week as that diagnosis? I launched a new podcast. Cool, cool, cool… everything was still okay. Right?
I’m a doctor. I’m a mindset coach. I’m a mom. I got this. I know what to do. Right?
So I kept going. Podcasting, coaching, doctoring, mommy-ing. AND, being the sounding board for my mom, who is NOT in medicine, but was learning at an impressive rate. Every little update, venting session, frustration went through me. And I would temporarily jump off of my own life’s roller coaster and onto my parents’. Every time my dad would be hospitalized (it was every 3-4 weeks at one point), I would relive these emotions on their roller coasters over and over again.
And I would suppress it over and over again. I kept going: podcasting, coaching, doctoring, mommy-ing.
Being a primary care physician, common mental health disorders are like my bread and butter in practice. I see this all the time in my patients, oftentimes before they see it themselves. I am even known to “make patients cry” because I can see when they’re not themselves, asking point-blank questions about their mood; their well-being; and their happiness. It’s like struggling patients feel the need to release after putting up a facade for so long.
They needed to hear it in a safe space, and have a trusted expert tell them, “It’s okay. I see you. There is help. You WILL feel better. You can get through this.”
Then, a series of other things hit me.
I woke up one day… and started to have night sweats.
Slowly followed by hot flashes, insomnia, constipation, severe reflux, nausea, irritability, skin changes, hair loss – WTF is THIIIIS? My medical brain was working overtime. A lot of this sounds like… menopause? But I’m only 39.
My non-medical brain was spiraling. Shit. What is happening? In desperation (and in gratitude), I went to a colleague who ordered labs. Mostly normal. I went to specialists. Mostly normal evaluations.
I started to do my own research into perimenopause and menopause. I became so obsessed with the data and research of newer studies, that I moved forward with studying to become a Menopause Certified practitioner (yet, another thing on my list…. Why do I do this to myself?). Amid all of this, I passed the exam because I felt the strong need to help myself AND help my patients going through the same thing.
All of that slowly turned into having more lows. There was a deeper, nagging, indescribable darkness that led to more couch time, more TV binging, more mindless scrolling, more napping, more comparing, more doubting. I was letting go of higher-level tasks, falling behind, and more importantly? Not caring.
Now I could doctor – put on scrubs, go to clinic, see patients, come home. That was “easy.” That was on autopilot. Everything else fell to the side.
Then it happened.
I was driving on a sunny afternoon (ironically to a massage therapy appointment). There was a curve in the road. A fleeting thought passed.
“What if I just drove straight into that tree?”
Those fleeting thoughts popped up more frequently – while talking to my daughter, while sleeping…
“What if I just wasn’t here? Gia and Sanjay would be okay.”
“Would anyone really care if I left?”
“What am I doing here? Alive? I don’t belong.”
It scared the shit out of me.
Before I knew it, I was waking up feeling a sense of dread. Just internal unhappiness.
Before I knew it, I was waking up crying. Unable to get out of bed.
Before I knew it, I was depending on my husband to walk me through the basics:
“Flora, first step, sit up in bed. Good. Now stand up. Amazing. Let’s go brush your teeth. Don’t feel like a shower? Ok. Why don’t we change your clothes.”
All while the tears were flowing. And I had NO. Idea. Why.
Being a mindset coach, I pride myself on mastering coping strategies and techniques. employed all of my tools – breaks, social media distance, talking it out, vacations.
Yes, 2024 hit hard. In addition to family illnesses, deaths, and additional projects to fulfill my purpose to help, there was a rift between me and some family members. Boundaries went up. I moved on. But the trauma stayed. Manifested.
I know this wasn’t me. Who have I become? What is happening? And why?
This is what depression can feel like.
Major Depression. That was my diagnosis. To be more even more specific – high-functioning depression. No, not a clinical diagnosis, but a characteristic of so many who are struggling with Major Depressive Disorder. It’s a hidden struggle, one that often goes unnoticed by partners, friends, and yourself, because, from the outside, you are doing everything. And, everything seems “fine.”
Before I share the rest of my story, let’s shed some light on high-functioning depression in women:
Did you know?
- Women are twice as likely as men to be diagnosed with depression. It’s a complex issue with likely ties to hormonal fluctuations, societal pressures, and differences in how we cope with stress.
- Nearly 1 in 8 women will experience major depression at some point in their lives. This isn’t just “feeling down” – it’s a serious medical condition that impacts every aspect of life.
- High-functioning depression is often hidden. Women with this condition are often successful in their careers and maintain a seemingly “normal” life, making it difficult to recognize their struggles.
- It can be debilitating. Even though it may not be outwardly obvious, high-functioning depression can significantly impact a woman’s quality of life, relationships, and overall well-being.
- Perfectionism and self-criticism are common. Women with high-functioning depression often set high standards for themselves and struggle with feelings of inadequacy, even when they achieve great things.
- Symptoms can be subtle, but impactful. While classic signs like persistent sadness might be present, high-functioning depression can also manifest as:
- Chronic fatigue and low energy
- Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
- Irritability and restlessness
- Feelings of emptiness or hopelessness
- Physical complaints (headaches, digestive issues, hair loss, skin changes)
- Increased use of substances like alcohol or drugs to cope
2024 was difficult.
I was jumping onto everyone else’s emotional roller coasters, while riding my own. On the flip side, the Beyond podcast had launched, momentum was being gained, guest episodes were introduced, and I was putting myself out there to continue to build, help, inspire, and be all the things to everyone. Oh, all while doctoring, mothering, and going along with normal life challenges.
Looking back, I know when things started to change. But, they were subtle, explainable. Employing my coping strategies, I got through them and kept chugging along.
Until I wasn’t.
It all prompted me to reach out to a therapist and a psychiatrist.
*As an aside, a licensed therapist, although essential, are not doctors, therefore cannot prescribe medications. A psychiatrist is a physician specializing in mental health.
Deep inside, amid all the muck, I knew I needed medications.
This was more than simply: “life is hard.” This was: “life is hard” and “there is a chemical imbalance.”
Of course, in our current healthcare system, it takes a while to get into specialists… so as I was waiting for my psychiatrist appointment, I started therapy. My therapist helped lift me a bit and made me feel okay to be struggling. She gave me hope and allowed me to unpack a lot of suppressed thoughts, emotions, and traumas.
The biggest struggle of all?
Coming to the terms that I am a high-functioning, badass boss woman… and here I was just doing the bare minimum. Literally. Waking up. Going to clinic. Eating. Sleeping. Repeat.
Therapy helped me let go of my ego and be okay with the now at that time.
Fast forward a month. I met with a wonderful psychiatrist who agreed that I needed medication. And, since then, I have felt an almost reversal of my symptoms. I know I’m not out of the woods. However, the desire to never feel like that low again has pushed me to continue therapy AND be my badass self.
I’m back AND I’m healing.
I’m high functioning AND I have treated depression.
I am a mindset coach, doctor, podcast host, mom, podcast host, AND I have help.
Remember – two things can be true at once. It doesn’t lessen or negate your worth. I hope by sharing my experience, it continues to break down the stigma surrounding mental health and educate others.
If you resonate with my story, please know that you are not alone.
There are people who care and want to help. I care and even though I may not be YOUR doctor, there are resources that might help:
- Therapy +/- Medication: Therapy, especially Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), can provide tools to challenge negative thought patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Talk to ANYONE – a mentor, a coach, a friend, a loved one is better than holding the weight of everything yourself. Talk to your insurance and reach out to your primary care physician for recommendations for a licensed therapist. They can help you determine if medication is needed. Many times, your primary care physician can be a wonderful resource to help start medications if indicated. Please know that finding the right therapist may take time. Be patient and don’t lose hope.
- Practice mindfulness and self-care: Mindfulness practices like meditation and deep breathing can help you connect with your emotions, cultivate self-compassion, and help employ your techniques learned in therapy
- Exercise regularly: Physical activity has mood-boosting effects and can help reduce stress and anxiety. Aim for at least 30 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise most days of the week. Can’t do that? Do the bare minimum. Look outside the window. Walk around your room, home, driveway, and stairs.
- Seek true support and connection: While socializing in general can be helpful, it’s crucial to cultivate deep, meaningful connections with people who truly understand and support you. Research has shown that having strong social support can act as a buffer against stress and depression. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and share your struggles. It doesn’t make you any less of a badass.
- Disconnect to reconnect: Social media can be a double-edged sword. While it can offer a sense of connection, it can also contribute to feelings of inadequacy, comparison, and negativity. Studies have found that reducing social media use leads to significant decreases in both depression and loneliness. Be mindful of the content you consume and set intentional boundaries to protect your mental health. Need to clean out your social media and reset? Listen to this quick podcast episode HERE
- Remember: Medication (if indicated) + therapy has been proven to be the BEST, most effective combination for Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Your medical care team are your champions to help you feel better.
** If you have thoughts of harming yourself, please tell someone. In the U.S., call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. It’s available 24 hours a day, every day. Or use the Lifeline Chat. Services are free and private.
This is the reality of being a human.
There are ups and downs, it can feel messy and unfair at times. It most certainly isn’t the beautifully curated highlights that are shared on your social media feeds or the quick glimpses you get into others’ lives in passing.
Now you can see even more sides of my story.
Most importantly, this is a new mantra of mine, and would love you to adapt it too:
Be kind to yourself. Healing takes time.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you, always, for your support.
With love,
Flo